My first diary entry on this site will be nothing special. I am just sitting at home today, keeping up my bare minimum with work and drowning in my usual thought processes. I will no longer try to deny that I enjoy shotacon (and occasional) lolicon content, but I can't be open about it because my online friends would resent me. They hate shotacons and people who are attracted to characters that are minors. I will admit it, 12 year old Maya Kitajima is sexy and that is the hill I will die on. I'm also in love with shota Yabuki-kun, with his tiny little body and bad behavior. I would kill to babysit either of them!
However, I do feel guilty, but I feel like I'm growing out of it. I've been questioning my attraction to actual children since I was 15-16, and since I've concluded that was false, I'm kind of obsessed with fictional pedophilia. It gets me off thinking I could do something so terrible with no consequence, because these children do not exist, as they are drawn on paper with ink. I'm not attracted to real children because of their questionable hygiene, and the majority are not conditioned like adults. It's also comflicting because I would get off to something where I was dominant to someone, and my submissive acted childish during sex (whining, simple sentence structure, affectionate). An example that comes to mind is in my fic "Wild Boy" where Joe, a canon adult, states "Oh doggie, that hurts! That hurts so much!" Since "doggie" is a bit of a childish phrase and I can imagine him whining it, it makes it that way. I love it, and it gives me butterflies when I think of it.
The only joy I've been having these days are when thinking of fiction, sex, and fictional sex. That makes me a sad visionary, but it's comforting in a way. I wished for so long to try out having a different place in society, and now that I am horrible, it is very sad. Please help.